So I just turned 24 a few days ago and felt that this is a really shitty number. As I found myself full of thoughts tonight and pretty sleepless, I decided to click through old photos …. I thought you might wanna take part, but I won’t let you get away without some important words. First, the left photo shows me in my early 14 years, this is the last photo that shows me with kinda normal clothes, half a year later I totally found myself in the gothic-scene. The photo on the right is me now, well few weeks ago.
People following my work may know about my many scars, too.
As you can see, I didn’t have them with 14. Was it, that I was happier? That my world was brighter and my childhood was adorably perfect? No- I just hadn’t a clue how to possibly cope or tell.
In fact, I’ver never been the cool kid. I’ve never been popular. When I was “gothic” pupils made fun of me. I’ve always been an outcast. I had good grades, so sometimes my classmates decided to be nice to get some homework copied. I never had many friends. I never thought they would understand me anyway. I was very shy and introverted. I had trouble speaking in front of the class, I blushed as soon as I raised my voice. I had no clue who I was, what I liked, what was wrong and right and what I was supposed to do with all this thing called life. 4-5 years later, by the end of 12th class my grades dropped, I nearly failed maths, I was sleeping through history class. I was done. My graduation grade sucked for all the high hopes teachers had first. What nobody noticed through all these years was my private war. My private trouble. My insecureties. My self harm. All the invalidations and mental abuse I had to suffer from. I can’t remember I’ve ever been alright during my childhood. Trust me, there are multiple reasons for that. Later on, there will be even more. I’m not the luckiest. All in all I was a deeply sad and suicidal teenager.
So look at me now! I’m a Model! I’m working as Make Up Artist from time to time too. I have a beautiful boyfriend and I recently met a wonderful girl I’m so glad to know. I’m living in my own little apartment, creating my own little life. I still have my difficulties to manage a daily routine. My war is still on, daily. My whole body is covered in scars and there are days I’m struggling to get out of bed. I still fall back to every possible self-destructive behavior from time to time. But I am here and I am fighting. Ten years made a big difference. And, come on, it never was the cat!!!!
I’m proud of myself now. I look how want. I dye my hair, I paint my nails, I trash my clothes, cause I like to. I have my piercings and my tattoos, I have my opinions and my passions. I have strenghts and things I know I’m pretty good in. I’m more myself than ever. And even if it’s still a long way, I will get even better.
I’m not a good role model, I’m not a savior or a preacher or a therapist. But, yes, you are allowed to believe me, change is possible. Just don’t give up. Took me some time to understand that I am not worthless and that all the decisions are up to me. I’m not my past, I’m not the bad things. And you are neither.
I just wanted to make this a shout out to all who are suffering the same or something alike. Maybe you can feel some hope, just a little glimpse is enough. And if you came this far, I’m fucking proud of you!
Sending much love and energy to every single one of you out there, Trizzy